mixed thoughts on paper

The first time I met you
I remember your voice
I remember your name
Because I wrote it over and over until I got it straight
You talked to me
I ignored you
But in those moments my heart really flew

Years went by
We got older
You never noticed the feelings
I shouldered

The more I knew you the more I loved
The less time I had to shake it off and run

Unnoticed feelings
Unbelievingly
Then I was leaving

All those years
Then I left your side
I still remember
You never cried
You didn't care
Not even a bit
Not even when I cried for it

I was gone
Separated
It's gods way of telling me we werent fated

Now I sit here and sigh
About the guy
Who never cried
When I left from his side

A piece of soul was taken from me
Where it went
Is a mystery

And even though I wanted it bad
It would have been so much better if I never had.

What was sent to me...

Can't you see I love you?
Even from a distance
The signs are everywhere
Take this one for instance

I stood across the hall
And didn't say a word
You turned and looked though
As if my thoughts you heard

I just kept on looking
And I know I saw you smile
I felt my heart leap
Haven't seen one in a while

Every day I tell you
What you mean to me
Every time you say the same
We both wish we could be

And yet every now and then
After you talk with him
You pass me by in the halls
Making my hopes grow dim

I wish that you'd just leave him
But I guess thats just absurd
I know I can be better though
I hope you trust my word

Not a word you mutter
Not even under your breath
I feel the pain within me
Leaving me cold as death

-....

Love is a beautiful thing that can change a person for the better or worse. Your first love will always be one to remember even if you don't want to...

My first experience with love was miserable and pitiful. I just hated how childish and stupid I was.

I fell for a player who pretty much played with my mind. I did stupid thing and yet I'm drawn to him. like a moth to flame.

Burn....

I'm always told I'm beautiful but I cant see why. I cant even capture his heart so what good is my looks? He would never look my way seriously or show me he needs me. not the way I need him...

He told me once that he loved me, he wanted to marry me and be together but now to me his words seem cold and 1 dimensional. I lost him.

Nobody wants me...

Then I danced to his fiddle, His flame not even a care in the world that I would be burnt. But would he do the same?

I felt alone...

What do I do when in his absence another tune starts to play around me everyday. Desperate to get my attention. trying to save me from 'Him'. But I don't even so much as lift a finger. I just stand there waiting for 'His' tune to play again. so I can dance once again and again...

I'll never learn until my legs break.unable to dance anymore. that same plays trying to get me to weaver. I don't. I keep dancing to 'His' tune until it stops completely and my body stops its dance.

I'm such an idiot...

'His' tune stops for seconds, minutes, hours then years. My body stuck unable to move an inch. I'm stuck in a sorry state with my ears perked and body trembling.

A new tune plays long and softly. I hear it and am reluctant to move but I do and I feel so light.

I stop dancing in realisation as I hear 'His' tune play in my head. but its not the same and I try to repeat the dance to it but cry out in frustration.

The same new tune plays again passionately. I slowly to dance along broken hearted.

'His' tune plays softly but I think its in my head until it gets louder and I quickly try to dance to it's beat with love but the song becomes colder to me as I go.

I start to see another girl dancing to the same rhythm as me but gracefully.

I copy along getting the notes and rhythm wrong. I start to break down. i tried my best.

I see him appear and take her hand in his then kissed it and began to dance with her. The he kept going switching to another and another girl. One after another.

Stupidity...

He finally lets go of the last girl and comes towards me.

He reached out his hand for mine. I cry as i reached out for his but he smiles and disappears from my very eyes again.

Leaving me to dance to his lost tune..

Unwanted....

 Contradictions:

There is nothing more that i hate than hypocrites (such as a certain person). He's always saying " Don't stray from the 'right' path and to always listen to his guidance. but i find it harder and harder to obey because he himself has stayed form the 'right' path and went 'left' (hypothetically). Why should i listen to someone who went all 'left' before i was even born? it makes no sense. He says all you need in life are he basics such as being polite, respectful, hard working, intelligent, etc...
he says if you see a good person applying to you with no education and is willing to learn and there is a person who likes to trick people but has all the education needed and more. he said a boss would pick the first person because they wouldn't betray him like the second. hes right but in the real world the person with the best education requirements always win. i not saying it's impossible but slim. i want to say something but i cant. he never lets me. or i don't let myself. all that comes out is "yeah you're right...". maybe me myself am a hypocrite.

Before Weak:

All the babies that i came across in my life have always brought joy to those who bore them and around them. but why does when baby appear who isn't born yet bring me so much sadness and pain? I shouldn't care. well... at least i thought i didn't but when it all comes down to me plainly. I'm really weak and ill minded.
weak because i have no voice, no thoughts, no appearance, no words, no confidence, pride or ant strong points. I'm just weak. Is it normal to be this way?